What Have You Lost?
What Have You Lost Along the Way?
As a pre-teen, it’s nearly genetically impossible not to roll your eyes when some adult in your presence utters the phrase “When I was your age…”
At the time, it seems debatable that this ancient antique of a person you know as Dad or Grandma or Great Uncle Al can relate to your experience being 13. In fact, you’re pretty sure they were never 13 themselves and that rather they are among those exceptional humans who were born over-40 year old nags.
But of course, as many things go, the older you get, the more you find yourself being the one inducing the eye rolls.
You say “Because I said so” for the first time.
You call your second child by your first child’s name by mistake.
And then one day, it happens. The dreaded “When I was your age…” comes out of your mouth.
Here’s what I’ve noticed about what prompts us to fall in line with generations before us. Usually, when people let out a “When I was your age,” it’s not to celebrate something positive.
It’s not “When I was your age, we could buy piles of ice cream for only 2 cents.” Usually. (Congratulations if you’re the exceptional positive-sharing guy though.)
Usually “When I was your age…” is a lament. It’s a statement of loss or mourning.
It’s a declaration that the world has changed, often in a way that makes the speaker uncomfortable.
And sometimes even, it’s an insistence the way the world is now is worse off than it was back then.
Most commonly, when I hear the lamentation “When I was your age,” the speaker is trying to put their finger on something that seems intangible…some point in time when the quality of life, and often the sense of connectedness between people, wore down all at once.
They’re trying to track what bizarre and sneaky series of events transpired that took us from sitting on our front porches small-talking about the weather to texting 140 character “tweets” to an impersonal online world while shut in the air conditioning.
And the body language is indicative of the hopelessness they often feel. Shrugs. Sighs. Brush off gestures. Change of subject. “Well anyways…”
It’s as if we feel trapped in the version of society that has evolved and are convinced we can never recapture the quality and connectedness of eras past. We feel like prisoners who can’t, at least by our lonesome, increasingly aging selves, live intentionally enough to maintain a true sense of community in such a fast-spinning world.
And here in this shade of hopelessness is where I say what I came to say: I believe we have a choice.
I don’t believe we are just stuck with whatever social and relational norms we inherited. And as I continue to blog, and work on my next book, I’m going to be offering lots and lots of ideas for re-nurturing connections from many different sources. I think the collection of wisdom will add some refreshing value to the way you experience your most routine relationships.
But for now, I want to know what it is you’re lamenting. What have you lost? The penny candy store? The hardware store where the owner knew your name? The neighborhood baseball games played right out in the street? The safety of letting your kids bike all over town without worrying about them being the victims of violence? Actual people who answered phones rather than automated operator-bots?
So how about it? Leave a comment on this blog post and tell me how this works for you. What have you lost . . . and can it be regained?
Gerry August 10, 2012 (6:40 pm)
I miss neighbors bringing cookies to the new people moving in.
Sarah August 10, 2012 (6:59 pm)
That’s such a good one. It seems to happen on sitcoms more than real life. But an easy one to remedy… ;)
krb August 10, 2012 (7:41 pm)
Letting kids spend endless hours playing outside with the neighbor kids running around unsupervised.
Karen Lipsome August 13, 2012 (4:58 pm)
I miss how people used to say Hello, how are you?, nice weather we’re having when they passed on the street.
Now most of the time when I’m out walking, I get a nod (if I’m lucky) from people wearing headphones as they walk or run.
Sarah August 13, 2012 (5:06 pm)
@KRB I hear you. My dad always talks about walking to elementary school. A lot of parents don’t feel comfortable with that anymore.
@Karen That is an interesting one. I feel like small talk on elevators etc. has gone down since the rise of smart phones too, don’t you?
romanhokie August 13, 2012 (5:18 pm)
Our neighbors brought us cookies when we moved in. And pizza later that week. And they joined us in eating the pizza.
“Borrowing” sugar/flower/eggs/vegetable oil from neighbors.
@Sarah, interesting thing about elevators. Edward T. Hall (I’ve seen his name pop up in my class reading AND in my personal reading – check out “The Search to Belong”, but Joseph Myers.) says that elevators are paradox. On one hand, they are “intimate space” (touching to 18 inches), but on the other hand, we treat them as if they are “public space” (12′ plus). I.e. elevators are not a very connected place.
We have more connections but less connectedness.
Marilynn August 13, 2012 (7:36 pm)
I don’t feel like I’ve lost, but gained! I grew up in a rural area and a small town, and most of the time, there was only my family around. Today I have a phone with e-mail and Facebook and can connect with just about anyone! It’s soooo much better!
Brent Fowler August 13, 2012 (9:09 pm)
The little ice cream store in the town square whose owner you always saw at all the football games.
Sarah August 14, 2012 (9:48 am)
@RomanHokie Your comments fascinated me…especially the elevator bit. =) I may just have to share that at some point.
@Marilynn I can see that side of it too. Depending on how you use it, technology can provide a lot of opportunity to further connectedness. I would never know what classmates from high school or college were up to without Facebook, for instance. It would be impossible to keep in touch with so many people in person.
Jim Kane August 15, 2012 (8:10 pm)
Sarah, a thousand (well not that many) thoughts run through my mind on this. When I hear of another death in the neighborhood I grew up in I am reminded that I lived in a community of people who were connected and had more in common than not. In this day and age we are connected more broadly and in some ways it is shallower. There is so much simulataneous cacooning and niching. In seminary we did an exercise called “Who holds your tramboline?” it was designed to help us understand who constituted our network as we answered the question, ” Who would you want in be with you in the ER?” thanks for the post!
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