Making Friends: What the Research Tells Us
Yesterday, we talked stories–stories about how society’s norms might not be serving us well. Today, it’s onto the research.
Morale and Busywork
Unsurprisingly perhaps, I did my masters thesis on community morale, using my place of work–which employed 850+ adults–as the center of my research.
And also unsurprisingly, it bored me out of my ever-loving mind.
It wasn’t that I couldn’t appreciate the topic of course. At the time, I worked in the same building with my husband and was deeply endeared to many of my co-workers. Nearly every Friday a group of us went out together for appetizers and drinks to kick off the weekend, we even planned a few unofficial social events for the larger community (like a prom for adults in which my husband guest performed as an 80’s rock icon).
I actually cared about morale in the work place, then. But although I was always fascinated by my findings, it was the accompanying busywork and the zillions of needless formatting rules that made me want to burn each draft of my thesis (amidst an entertaining bonfire for the whole staff, while serving homemade cookies, of course).
Busywork, as it turns out, is not good for my morale.
I’m About To Do Things Differently
As a result, for my next book project, I’ve decided to return to a more qualitative kind of research like the kind that went into much of my first book, Dear Church. But even more so.
Qualitative research, as you may know, still follows clear protocol to make sure the data obtained is reliable and measurable. But it often centers on more natural data streams, like unstructured interviewing between the writer (me!) and volunteer participants.
This is right up my people-loving alley.
With these things in mind, my working idea is to interview a large sample of people about friendship–about how they form friendships and about how their attitudes and practices related to friendship have evolved. Following these interviews, I’ll sort through the combined responses for themes or patterns and use these to compose a survey about friendship…which I will give to an even larger sample of people.
The goal is to develop insights that helps us better understand how people move from stranger to acquaintance to friend…and beyond…as well as what kind of benefits result from that journey.
That means there are a lot of ways you can get involved if you so choose.
For starters, you can sign up for an informal interview (a 1-2 hour discussion in person or on Skype) where you will be asked mostly open-ended questions about friendship. Feel free to volunteer in the comments to do that. (I’ll be putting up a form eventually)
Also, you can also offer ideas for questions. Yesterday, Shelly–a commenter on this blog–suggested it might be interesting to look at how the region where we live (the Midwest vs. the Deep South, for example) shape the way we interact. Is there something you wonder about friendship that might work itself into my interviews? Feel free to add that to the comments too.
On Tuesdays, I’ll be sharing ideas and updates related to this research.
Photo source: journal
mandythompson September 16, 2014 (8:59 am)
…I have strong/warm/quizzical feelings about friendships. In fact, I recently journaled about why I don’t seem to be the type to carry life-long friendships. Am I too picky? Do I have impossible expectations? I don’t know. Maybe you can tell me why the heck I let them fade…? (Bc I do. And my word I’m not sure I want to talk about it. Which is prob why I should talk about it.) Sign me up, Sarah.
Sarah Raymond Cunningham September 16, 2014 (1:15 pm)
Awesome, Mandy! You will be at the top of my list. (And me too. On all of it.) =)
Sarah Raymond Cunningham September 16, 2014 (1:01 pm)
Awesome, Mandy! You will be at the top of my list. (And me too. On all of it.) =)
Benji Zimmerman September 16, 2014 (1:14 pm)
I am always down to help Sarah. Feel free to hit me up for a facetime call. I am in a bit of a work lull for the next few weeks so I should have some time to schedule something.
Sarah Raymond Cunningham September 16, 2014 (1:15 pm)
Awesome, Benji! It’d be good to catch up either way. I’ll mark ya down. :)
Stephanie Eichler Rubley September 16, 2014 (1:23 pm)
HI, I would love to sit down and let you interview me any time. I think it would be fun for both of us.
Sarah Raymond Cunningham September 16, 2014 (2:05 pm)
Great, Steph! I’ll be seeing you Monday, but I won’t be ready by then. :)
AdamLeggDotCom September 16, 2014 (1:28 pm)
Hi Sarah! I would absolutely be willing to be interviewed for this! Being in Alaska where many people are far away from family, it is our friends who become that bond. For 9 years my wife and I have had 3 other couples who have been so much more than friends to us. We have celebrated, grieved, rejoiced, mourned, and battled together. Any time that Sherri and I discuss opportunities to leave Alaska the #1 thing that always comes up is, “But what about our friends?” Some things in life are too deep and rich to leave, and friendships like this are one of them. You can email me at adam@adamlegg.com and I am glad to help any way that I can.
Sarah Raymond Cunningham September 16, 2014 (2:06 pm)
Ooooh. This story sounds especially interesting. Adding you to the list, Adam. Thanks. :)
Andy Merritt September 16, 2014 (1:36 pm)
Would love to help if I can. And if you need another pool of people I can connect you with some Rivertree’rs.
Sarah Raymond Cunningham September 16, 2014 (2:06 pm)
I appreciate your ongoing support, Andy. Would love to interview you. Would love to check in with some Rivertree peeps eventually too. Awesome. Thanks.
Sonny Lemmons September 16, 2014 (2:08 pm)
I’d be glad to help if I can. As a stay-at-home parent for over half a decade now, I’ve seen how my own definition of “making friends” has evolved.
Sarah Raymond Cunningham September 16, 2014 (2:14 pm)
Thanks, Sonny! It would be interesting for me to think about how friendship plays out differently in those who go to traditional careers vs. those who work at home via their families. :)
amysondova September 17, 2014 (2:01 am)
Sarah, I would love to be a part of your project as a single woman with a best friend who is like a sister to me. I don’t have a lot of close family, so my church is my family, which adds an interesting dynamic. I also closed myself off from people from 7 years while battling an illness. I think friendship is a healing balm.
Sarah Raymond Cunningham September 17, 2014 (7:05 am)
This is a great story, Amy. I think it would lend a lot to the project. Thanks so much!
Mark W. September 18, 2014 (12:00 pm)
Hi Sarah. I love this new series on Friendship and the idea behind your book. I’d love to be part of it. I have long wrestled with how to find friends, be friends, stay friends, should I even stay friends, try again with friends…
I have pondered and wondered and supposed and advocated for friendships for years. I have a small band of brothers, 4 men in total, my most intimate allies. We have walked together for years and have found it one of the hardest (and most rewarding) efforts of our lives.
I’ve grown a lot in my understanding of friendship. Having lived in 10 different states and observed and interacted with people from one coast to the other (literally), I’ve seen a lot. I have landed in NE Indiana in “the city of churches”. The people here are different from many of the other places I’ve lived, makes for interesting times connecting and friending.
I volunteer to be part of your project. And, whether or not you use me, I wish you all the best in your project. I think it’s a great, needed idea.
Mark
Sarah Raymond Cunningham September 19, 2014 (10:17 am)
Mark, your story already echoes that of several men I’ve talked to. I would love to talk more. I’ll get you on that list. Thanks so much for commenting and following along. This subject is something we all have a stake in, for sure. :)
joanna September 19, 2014 (6:02 am)
I’d love to talk to you. How to make friendship work (especially in the tricky post college years) is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately
Sarah Raymond Cunningham September 19, 2014 (10:18 am)
Post-college IS tricky. I found, in some respects, college life made my husband and I a bit lazy. We always had people on hand, at our finger tips, so organizing outings or hanging out was second-nature and required no planning. Fast forward to early adult years when you don’t live on campus and suddenly you have to get super intentional fast. I’d love to talk to you and will be in touch, Joanna. Thanks for commenting. I appreciate it.
Kelly E McClelland October 9, 2014 (11:29 am)
Just went over the 65 age mile post and got my very own silver sneakers card! Woo hoo! I’m more of an introvert but very active in both church, professional and my ham radio hobby circles. Love research and would love to connect with you on your project.
Blessings!
Sarah October 9, 2014 (2:23 pm)
I am glad to hear it, @Kelly. Sounds like you are making the most out of every stage of life. Thanks for the note. I’ll touch base later on and see if I can’t learn more from your story.