Shayne Moore On Women

Some of you may remember my 2011 series Women Talk Women, which asked some notable female voices to delve into the challenges and sometimes cattiness that comes with being a woman in a world full of other women.

My readers–men and women both–reported picking up great takeaways from the powerhouse lineup I interviewed, which included Ann Voskamp, Rachel Held Evans, Lauren Chandler, Sarah Markley, Kem Meyer, Lindsey Nobles, Jenni Catron, Heather Whittaker, Jena Nardella and LeeAnna Tankersley. (Go here to scroll through them all.)

It all shook out good enough that I’ve gathered up a new round of great female leaders, ones who project that same solid, non-whiney, smart sort of vibe that is respectable in either gender. And today, I bring you the first of Round 2, the much loved Shayne Moore.

Shayne Moore, MA is the author of Refuse to Do Nothing; Finding Your Power to Abolish Modern Day Slavery and Global Soccer Mom: Changing the World Is Easier Than You Think. She co founded Redbud Writers Guild, an international group of women expanding the feminine voice in church and culture.

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Shayne Moore

Sarah: So let’s get right to it. Have you had an easier time building friendships with men or women? And what do you think are the challenges of both?

Shayne: I grew up the only girl between two brothers. I always found building friendship with men easy, and for the most part, enjoyable. I also had very strong female friendships growing up. These women and relationships played a significant role in shaping who I am today. As I have aged, I findsafe, feminine relationships a need in my life and something I actively strive to develop.

Relationships are hard work no matter with men or women. We all approach them from our own perspectives, wounds, and experiences. Iam fascinated by the nature of relationships, why we choose the ones we do, why certain friendships do not work out and cause harm while others thrive. Why some people crash into our lives for a season and others remain faithful.

I think the biggest challenge to building relationships with men and women is safety and authenticity. We hide our true selves and for good reason. Many of us have experienced extreme alienation or judgment for being open and honest about our lives, struggles, opinions — for telling our stories truthfully.

In the Church we preach a good story of being Christ to one another and loving your neighbor but the sad reality is as a group and often as individuals we do not live this theology. We gang together and point the guns out toward any and all who are not exactly like us or disagree with us. Different = Threat.

The older I get, the more jaded I have become (or maybe more observant) and I have come to realize most people are hiding their true selves, especially in Christian circles. I observe a profound lack of honesty and self-awareness. I think the biggest challenge to developing relationships is fear. Fear of judgment and rejection. Fear of facing our own demons and those of others.

Sarah: As a strong leader, you’ve probably occasionally run up against another woman who acted “catty” toward you. What do you do in this circumstances? Or, what has been the healthiest way you’ve found to dealing with this?

Shayne: Women certainly can be each other’s biggest enemies. This truth has brought me to my knees many times in my life and it grieves me. As women we have much we are up against in the world – attitudes, limitations, abuse, neglect, misunderstandings and misrepresentations. Women should be each others’ champions. Yet all to often this does not play itself out. From churches, to MOPS groups, to Bible Studies, to women’s ministry, to a circle of best friends – we see it over and over: women stabbing each other in the back out of jealousy and competition. Jockeying for social position and power.

Like anyone, when this attitude has come against me it is extremely hurtful and many tears are shed. It feels mean and unfair and even ridiculous that as grown women these social dynamics are alive and well. And then I move to incredulous, that as “Christians” this goes on all the time in our communities.

The healthiest way I have found to deal with this may sound like a cliché but it is my truth. I give the wounds, the words, the attitudes, all of it to Christ. I place it on the cross because none of this exists in heaven. We don’t get to heaven and have awkward moments or are put out with people or angry at one another. Broken relationships, “catty women” have challenged my theology of atonement more than any other experience in my life. If I say I am a Christian then I am saying Christ really did take all this and my sin and their sin is already taken care of.

Another way I have handled difficult female relationships is to focus on relationships in my life that are blessed and full of grace. I founded Redbud Writers Guild, a place for women to be safe, to express their voice, and to find a place of invitation and relationship. It is a very intentional community with a Vision, Mission and Values we live out. We value the feminine voice, our faith, safety, a spirit of non-competition and we support one another personally and professionally. This community had blessed me a great deal.

A lot of great ladies I get to hang out with today!

Sarah: I love the concept of RedBud by the way. But let’s go deeper. Do you struggle with jealousy of other women? If so, can you share any insights around that? When does it seem to come up? What triggers it? How do you process it? Or if you don’t get jealous much, why do you think you’re able to sidestep something that nags at a lot of women?

Shayne: Wellll, I am a 4 on the enneagram and I am told jealousy is the vice of the 4. I don’t think I sit around wanting what other women have or have accomplished. I think my jealousy comes out in self-pity when things don’t go exactly the way I want or think they should go –looking at other people and trying to figure out why their lives are sooo perfect (which, of course, they are not). It is a vice, and it is a spiritual discipline to be grateful all the time for the blessing in my life.

Sarah: Gratitude is definitely a discipline. Well said. Tell me one notable woman you respect and one not-so-well-known female friend who has shaped your life. What about them makes them the kind of person you can receive from?

Shayne: I write books about social justice and global women’s issues. A notable woman I respect is Ashley Judd. She is from a celebrity family and she wrote her memoir All That Is Bitter And Sweet. In it Ashley is unapologetically honest about her messed up family, her rapes, her abuses, her own mistakes and how her story shaped her into having a heart for
women everywhere caught in poverty, disease, and oppression. I have watched her from afar for over a decade and I respect how she handles herself, her self-respect, her dignity, and her heart for truth-telling and for women.

A not-so-well-known friend who has shaped my life and blessed me is my co-author of Refuse To Do Nothing. Kimberly Yim and I went to Westmont College together in the 1990’s. I was a visiting student from Wheaton College and Kim was friends with my (now) husband.

Over the years, Kimberly has consistently reached out to me, whether it was to educate me on the horrors of modern day slavery, which led to us writing a book about it together, or whether it is to check in on me and my life situations. To pray for me, read me scripture, rehash what she learned in BSF last week, challenge me and encourage me. Kimberly is a safe, solid woman who is confident in who she is. There is no competition in our friendship. Only grace and love. It is a true gift. I love her heart for God and for others.