What We Say In Public
We’ve been talking about how churches build relationships with their communities.
We’ve been collecting feedback around some of the 33 exercises from Portable Faith: Taking Church to the Community, which released at the beginning of the month. So far we’ve covered What If Your Church Burned Down?, Community Stations, Would You Let Your Families Intermix and Walk a Mile In Their Shoes.
So this week…
From Portable Faith:
“Did something in the service impact you?” the church staffer guessed, imagining that some scripture or insight had convicted or moved the woman [who was openly crying in the church lobby].
The woman nodded again and added, “But not in the way I’d hope.”
The staffer pulled a few lobby chairs aside and invited the woman to sit down.
“It’s been a hard few months,” the woman explained. “I had been a stay-at-home mom until my husband walked out on the kids and me in January. Since then, I’ve been working insane hours trying to keep my family together and make enough money to make ends meet. I even had to go on financial assistance, which I swore I’d never do. But with day care costs and hardly any child support coming in, I don’t have a lot of options.”
“So it’s been a bad year so far?” the staff person reflected, at first taking the woman’s tears to be the sign of general frustration.
“And a bad day today. Sorry, my nerves are frazzled. Today’s message just scratched at the most vulnerable areas of my life.”
The staff person nodded, her mind racing through the sermon she’d heard in the earlier service, trying to guess how the woman’s story connected to the topic. “Oh, the message is on tithing today, isn’t it?” the staffer said compassionately. “That’s gotta be tough to hear when money is so tight.”
“It’s not that,” the woman replied. “It’s the way the pastor was saying it. He kept saying we could all give a little extra to the building program if we just skipped that morning cup of Starbucks or went out to dinner one less time per week. Or if we bought one less new shirt or skipped the premium car wash and waxed our car ourselves.”
The staffer swallowed hard, understanding dawning as the woman continued.
“He kept saying ‘we’ and ‘us,’ like all of us have this extra cash on hand for all these luxury items. But I haven’t been able to afford a Starbucks coffee or eating out or buying new clothes in months.” The woman admitted, “As he was saying that, I was looking around at everyone else–women with their hair highlighted and nails professionally done, carrying name-brand purses, men with trendy shirts and designer glasses with expensive gadgets in their hands, and I started to feel like an outsider. Like I didn’t belong here.”
The exercise then goes on to ask group participants to think about ten statements that might be delivered from the church stage (with good intention!) and think about how to make the statements engaging for all people in the audience.
For example, it asks participants to:
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Broaden the example : “Think of a goal you worked really hard at, and then try to remember what it felt like when you achieved that goal. Exhilarating, right?”
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Include additional examples: “Maybe you know what it’s like to work hard, running sprints day after day as an athlete, practicing the same classical piece again and again as a musician, or trying to get everything done before the extended family shows up for Christmas dinner.”
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Demonstrate awareness and sensitivity: “Now I know not everyone was obsessed with sports like I was, but the way this hits home for me is . . . ”
Clearly, this exercise might be most beneficial for those in official leadership posts who seem to represent the church when speaking from stage. But are there other kinds of leaders or speakers that might benefit from this exercise? Could the average attender even use it as a chance to reflect on sensitivity when speaking to others?
Doug April 29, 2013 (10:08 am)
I also think worship leaders, small-group leaders, people who want to invite people to church, and anyone who wants to share the good news that Jesus is Lord can benefit from this simple advice: Know thy audience.
I think we need to be intentional in ALL our communications. And the more reflect on it, to more we are intentionally considerate, the better we get at it.
Our church has worked hard at this. Our mission is aimed squarely at serving the neighborhoods around us, and they are very diverse: culturally and financially. It’s hard work, and I’d like to say we get it right all the time, but I am hopeful we are learning…
Sarah April 29, 2013 (11:29 am)
@Doug, I am glad you saw room for this sort of reflection in all communications. We can all try to build bridges instead of walls in even routine conversation…
Todd April 29, 2013 (10:33 am)
I love it when things dovetail together. This exercise fits close with the message that was shared yesterday from Colossians 4:2-6. Too often we don’t recognize the importance of some appropriate “seasoning” of our words when we interact with those who come from outside our fellowship circle.
When we engage in the practices from the Week 4 exercise, this one will become much more natural. Engaging with and hearing stories of life experience from those whose backgrounds and contexts are dissimilar to your own, will provide a great deal of insight about how to speak the Word of God back into their life.
I also believe that from those who are blessed to share publicly with a body, there is a responsibility to step outside yourself when you bring the Word back to the church. If we only contextualize based on one framework, ideology, or background we likely will alienate those who might be on the fringe or exploring connection. This does take practice.
One way this practice could work would be to have a group of people within a fellowship that present a broader cross-section of the fellowship and community that serve as a sounding board for early ideas of sermons, classes, etc. To get feedback from how others hear things is extremely beneficial. Communication theory tells us that reality is in the ears of the listener and as such understanding how we communicate the truths of Scripture is imperative!
Sarah April 29, 2013 (11:30 am)
@Todd, I like the idea of a sounding board in the early planning process…
danielle Williams April 29, 2013 (11:10 am)
I think its always a great idea to get feedback. It allows you to see whatbhas worked or how people are receiving what is being said. I know there has been times where i didn’t understand something.
It feels good to know if people really care that people walk away understanding what is going on.
Sarah April 29, 2013 (11:31 am)
Thanks @danielle. Yes. Thinking about how different people groups receive the same information might help us be more clear and better understood by more. Good point.
Rick Nier April 29, 2013 (1:21 pm)
My personal favorite, sarcastically speaking, is when a pastor or other leader, will say something like, “We all know this next song” or “Everybody remembers that Bible story when…”
I think this would be a great exercise, for pastors yes, but perhaps even more so for other leaders who aren’t thinking of this and the entire congregation on a consistent basis. It’s funny to me how we pray for reaching all types, but assume that everyone is just like us.
Good exercise!
Sarah April 30, 2013 (9:20 am)
We all know this one… classic. :)
Becky April 29, 2013 (3:26 pm)
I agree with previous posters… this is a great exercise! Pastors in my experience often mean well, but too often get somewhat stuck in the “Church-ese” and don’t always speak in ways that “normal” non-churched people understand and that can be very isolating. I HATE sermons on tithing and giving campaigns… not because I think it’s a topic that we shouldn’t talk about, because it is and it’s an important concept to understand as Christians, but all to often these sermons come across as guilt trips instead of appropriate teaching on the topic.
Using a sounding board to make sure that our words are not isolating those we are trying to reach the most is a great idea!!!
This is also a good exercise for laypeople in the church as well. I think we forget just like our leaders.
Sarah April 30, 2013 (9:21 am)
@Becky, I’m glad a few of you think it’s accessible to lay people. I do think we could help each other take more responsibility for recognizing the position of others…
KC April 29, 2013 (4:41 pm)
I also agree with the above posters. In addition, I believe that it is a fair question to ask in message/teaching preparation: “Is there anyone who this would hurt?” And then weighing the impact. I’m thinking of the annual mothers day message, and those who have lost children, are unable to have children, whose children are not involved in the parent’s life, broken families etc.
Sarah April 30, 2013 (9:21 am)
@KC, I love this question. Are you still in the area, btw?
Vicki Hanes April 29, 2013 (6:47 pm)
Our creative team and our first-impressions team talk about these things all the time. However, I think this exercise helps us think about all the different angles. We tend to focus on words and terms that people might not be familiar with because they tend to be church culture words. I’m not sure we have thought about how often we use collective pronouns that might create a “you vs us.”
I’m single with no children. I kind of accept the fact that there is going to be those moments when the message may not include me, but I’ve been around church for a while and therefore, I’m used to it. I’m not sure the answer is to NOT have those sermons or celebrations but maybe we need to acknowledge that it isn’t going to fit everyone. Andy Stanley does this quite a bit I’ve noticed when he knows the message is going to apply to one segment of the audience more than another. Awareness does seem to be the key, so this exercise might train us to think this way.
Sarah April 30, 2013 (9:23 am)
@Vicki, yes. Unfamiliar terminology or “in-house” verbage can be isolating.
And in my mind, anyone who preaches on marriage–for example–should be thinking about how to offer value to those who aren’t married inside of that sermon. Great reminder.
Nate April 30, 2013 (12:11 pm)
I think the important thing about such an exercise is that it lends quite a bit of perspective. It’s all too easy to fall into the trap of thinking that everyone is just like us, and it can often be really difficult to pay attention to the different viewpoints, life circumstances, and cultures that we might be addressing. But, like many have already said in the comments of this post, awareness is the first step.
Eric Haynes April 30, 2013 (5:46 pm)
I had a similar reaction as Doug – it just isn’t leadership who needs to remember the words and phrases they use, but everyone, from the greeters to the children’s small group leaders. We all have to cut out the Christian verbiage that sounds reasonable to us, but might as well be Chinese to someone new.
But my greater reaction to the scenario you laid out about the woman’s reaction to the sermon is something we talk about a lot around here – just shut up and stop making assumptions about what is going on inside someone. Ask questions, stop making statements. Instead of trying to figure out what piece of the sermon the person was reacting to — just ask them. Guessing is no longer required (including insert-in-mouth-moments).
Hilary May 2, 2013 (10:47 am)
I have no idea what goes into sermon writing at our church. Except that some days I find great meaning in them and some days not so much. I suspect that’s true for all of us. I don’t think it’s possible to shield every message against the possibility of hurting someone, but if we do find out we’ve caused hurt or offense, to do our best to make it right.
The only thing I would add is that outside of the pulpit we need to remember to approach people “where there are” as best as you can.
For example, if someone is a newcomer, it’s important to remember that there are many reasons they are trying out a church. Maybe they are seeking spirituality or spiritual guidance. Maybe they are looking to join a community. Maybe they aren’t sure. Probably some combination. But not everyone wants to be inundated with volunteer opportunities, choirs to sing in, classes to take, etc. Someone might just want to sit in the back and contemplate and pray – and they could be scared off by too much “welcoming.”
So I guess this doesn’t apply to the question of how a message from the pulpit is received – but it’s more about one-on-one relations with people who are checking out a new church.
Benji May 3, 2013 (1:51 pm)
Another great exercise that ties in a lot with last weeks, the idea of context. We often use words and terms that we picked up in a book or from another person but rarely does the term have the same blanket meaning to everyone. As leaders we need always need reminders of our assumptions about our congregation or ministry.
Wes May 4, 2013 (7:35 pm)
I’d like to piggyback with what Hilary was saying above–just like we need to not go “under-board”, isolating….. Sorry, I already did it by saying “we” above.
Again, the church needs to not go “under-board” by isolating newcomers with jargon and “familiar stories/hymns”, but the church also needs to not go overboard, to be so concerned with putting everyone at ease that the church becomes fake/phony/artificial. People in the church are going to make mistakes. The church is responsible *to* others, but not responsible *for* them. I sometimes wonder whether a misspoken word, followed by an apology, might be more powerful than a perfectly spoken word in the first place. *Screwing up* and making mistakes is/should be something anyone can relate to, whether inside the church or not.
Melinda May 4, 2013 (11:31 pm)
Well, I don’t stand in front of the pulpit, but would say this is an important topic not justfor Pastors, but even small group leaders.I would say this is way harder on Pastors because you never know who is visiting, what their background is & what their life experiences are. I don’t think a Pastor or staff would intentionally try to hurt or exclude people but in big groups it does happen.
One thing I really like about our church is that we have small groups for about 8-10 weeks at a time. More small group leaders are born from that & then groups switch. It helps minimize cliques & making people left out.
I hope this helps!
Carrie May 6, 2013 (9:26 am)
I have had almost this exact conversation with young families in my church. We don’t teach giving in an appropriate way. My husband was out of work for five months. We had no extra money for anything. Just last night we were commenting on our gratefulness to be able to fill up our cars instead of trying to make a few gallons last a long time.
We have to be very aware of our audience. Making assumptions that everyone can give the same way is insenstive to all who are in the room. Once our pastor said that some could give more than others and they need to do so. I was torn on that one. But at the end of the day we need to be as in touch with our people as possible. I think that’s the whole point of this exercise. Let’s be intentional!
Carrie
Ray Hollenbach May 6, 2013 (9:45 am)
On first look it would be easy to pass this off as a “preacher’s only” kind of exercise, but I think there’s value here for everyone involved in ministry (which should be everyone!). One of our deepest unspoken assumptions is that other people experience life in the same way we experience life. Of course–if you say that last sentence out loud, no one would agree, but deep down, we carry the notion that what I experience is universal.
I think it’s a good exercise if only to stimulate sensitivity. And second, perhaps it would encourage some pastors to let other trusted folks take a peek at their Sunday messages before they are delivered.
Teresa B Pasquale May 6, 2013 (10:18 am)
I didn’t see my post go up for this week. That was weird. I am going to redo it. This feels like, in a good way, the intrinsic value system taught well to therapists… that attention to not assume anything when a client walks in based on their gender, race, sexuality etc. It is that idea of sensitively starting where the client is and listening first to what their truth and reality is and then speak from that frame of reference.
In therapist training I was always taught that if we assume anything and put that assumption on people quickly we will breakdown the therapeutic relationship before it starts. We did workshops and simulations around the idea.
This is the space where I see useful crossover (which seems to be more and more) between the methodologies of training sensitive clinicians and sensitive people in ministry. If we are going to really start where the person is it seems we need many more dialogues and acting-out scenarios and finding understanding that our frame of reference is often not that of others.
It seems like the best kind of stewardship and the best face Christianity can have; compassion without assumption.
I love it :).
Amy Jones May 26, 2013 (10:44 pm)
Our church has been dialoguing a lot about this. The church has often created its own language or catch phrases that non-church people or visitors or those who know little about the Bible don’t understand. It does make them feel like outsiders. There needs to be a way to disciple people where they feel like they are part of the Body no matter what they were, how much money they make or how they speak. Grace is they key to this. We can’t expect Christian behavior from non-Christians. I do believe this is an excellent exercise for pastors, small group leaders, and any other leaders within the church.
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